Enter the Vortex
Ch 5: Those Horrible Bug People
Todd: “Welcome to Galactocorp technical support. Please note that this call is being monitored for the purpose of quality assurance. This is Todd. How may I assist you today?”
Caller: “Todd? Really? You sound Martian to me.”
Todd: “I assure you sir, I’m as Earthling as you are. As a matter of fact, I’m from Bangkok, Ontario; born and raised. Go Dolphins!”
Caller: “Hmm, we don’t actually call ourselves Earthlings. Do you even know what a dolphin is?”
Todd: “Yes, sir. At the risk of getting too personal, my first kiss was with a beautiful dolphin girl.”
Caller: “Ooookay…”
Todd: “Oh, that was a crazy summer! I spent two months eviscerating sandworms at my Aunt Wilfred’s farm in Boston.”
Caller: “Maybe we should get on to business.”
Todd: “Of course. How can I help you?”
Caller: “I just got a new Thinkmaster 3000 neural computer implant, and it’s giving me trouble.”
Todd: “Really? That’s a new model. It’s 2.5X faster than the Thinkmaster 2000, and thirty percent less likely to cause loss of bowel control. How has your experience with our product been less than satisfactory?”
Caller: “Well, for one thing, every time I hear music in the key of C, I get an involuntary erection. I had to quit the church choir.”
Todd: “That’s unusual. Was this a self installation, or was it performed by a Galactocorp certified professional?”
Caller: “Self installation? This thing’s inside my brain! You sell self install kits? How does that work?”
Todd: “They come with very detailed instruction manuals. Have you downloaded the latest firmware update? New updates with bug fixes and performance improvements are issued every sixty four minutes, except on holidays.”
Caller: “Well, I don’t know. I guess not.”
Todd: “That’s not a problem. I can send it to you. I’ll need your eighty eight digit registration number, please.”
Caller: “I already gave that to you. I typed it in when I went through the phone maze to get an operator. It took me four hours. Every time I messed up, I had to call back and start over. Shouldn’t you already have it, since your phone system insisted on it?”
Todd: “I’m afraid not. Our phone system doesn’t like to share with the rest of us. It thinks it’s better than us. But don’t despair. You won’t need to type it again. With the Thinkmaster, all you have to do is think of the eighty eight digit number, and it will be sent directly to my screen.”
Caller: “Okay. I’m thinking of it now. … There, did you get it? This is amazing!”
Todd: “Sir, I received only fifty three digits and four pictures of women’s breasts. Please try to concentrate.”
Caller: “I’ll try, but I have to warn you. It’s bikini weather where I live. … There, how about now?”
Todd: “I have it, sir. Please make sure you are seated. I’m sending you the updates now. It shows here that your Thinkmaster hasn’t been updated in three days. This will be a rather large download, and will require a reboot.”
Caller: “Reboot? How does that…”
*
*
Todd: “Are you back up, sir?”
Caller: “I think so.”
Todd: “How do you feel?”
Caller: “My nose is bleeding, and I think there’s a load in my pants.”
Todd: “It was a large update, sir. Galactocorp recommends checking for new firmware versions at least three times a day to prevent dementia and tooth loss.”
Caller: “Wow, I didn’t realize this was going to require so much maintenance. So that’s it, I’m fixed? Wait a minute. I can’t see out of my right eye. What’s going on?”
Todd: “That’s the HUD, or Heads Up Display. It’s a new feature implemented in firmware version 3.093039839099H. Our beta testing showed that sixty eight percent of users found this feature to mildly improve the user experience with their Thinkmaster, and only seven percent reported permanent blindness. What you’re seeing right now is the default view, which is a blank display. Configuring your HUD is an easy twenty five step process that can be completed in less than an hour. You can access the setup menu from the Thinkmaster home screen. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you to never update your Thinkmaster 3000 while driving or operating heavy machinery.”
Caller: “I’m beginning to wonder if all this was worth it.”
Todd: “Believe me, sir. Once your Thinkmaster is personalized to your liking, it’s well worth the small amount of effort invested. After all, the 3000 series is the most customizable brain enhancement product available. You now have access to Galactocorp’s entire extensive library of thoughts. Your model comes with five free thoughts. Personally, I recommend you check out the Intellectual Library. Women love deep thinkers. And the best part is, the thinking has all been done for you!”
Caller: “I suppose you’re right. I can drudge through a few option menus. It’ll be worth it to finally have the brain I always wanted.”
Todd: “I’m sure you’ll be quite pleased. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Caller: “No, I think you’ve fixed it. Thanks a lot, Todd.”
Todd: “Thank you for calling Galactocorp.”
*click*
Todd: “You have reached Galactocorp technical support. This is Todd. How may I assist you on this beautiful day?”
Caller: “Oh, Todd. You sound like such a sweet boy.”
Todd: “Thank you, ma’am. What can I help you with?”
Caller: “I’m having a problem with my brainy thing. You know, the thinky computer thing.”
Todd: “Ah, The Thinkmaster. I use one myself. It’s a wonderful piece of technology. I assure you ma’am, whatever trouble you’re having, we’ll get it all worked out today.”
Caller: “Thank you, Todd. You’re such a darling. My friend Gladys always complains about how companies these days outsource all of their customer service to those awful Martians.”
Todd: “Well ma’am…”
Caller: “I can’t wait to tell her I spoke to a sweet Midwestern boy and not one of those horrible bug people.”
Todd: “Ma’am…”
Caller: “You know what I heard? I heard they eat their own babies. Can you imagine such a thing? My husband says we should nuke the whole planet. Of course, I think that’s a little drastic. I just hope none of those things ever move here. I don’t want them anywhere near my grandchildren.”
Todd: “Ma’am! …Ahem… Excuse me. Could we please take care of your Thinkmaster. I’m sure you’d like to get it fixed as soon as possible. And I have other callers waiting for my assistance. You understand…”
Caller: “Of course, you’re a busy man. I don’t want to get you in trouble with your boss, but I could talk to you all day. Is that a Wisconsin accent? I had an aunt who married a man from Wisconsin. I think his name was Martin, or was it Marvin?”
Todd: “What difficulty are you having with your Thinkmaster?”
Caller: “He played the bassoon. Not professionally, of course. What kind of career would that be? You don’t see a lot of want ads for bassoon players. It’s not like there are factories full of journeymen bassoon players.”
Todd: “Ma’am…”
Caller: “Of course, it’s not much of a hobby either. You’re not going to get invited to play at weddings, or anything. You’re not going to sit around at parties bassooning everyone’s favorite songs. What a stupid instrument.”
Todd: “Ma’am…”
Caller: “No wonder my aunt was so unhappy. You don’t play the bassoon, do you Todd?”
Todd: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I must insist we discuss your Thinkmaster issue. This call is being monitored for quality assurance. How can I help you?”
Caller: “I don’t believe in God any more.”
Todd: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “My daughter Caroline bought me a Galactocorp gift card for my birthday. Her oldest, Billy, is in summer school this year, so they didn’t come out to visit like they usually do. So this year she sent me a lovely card with a picture of all three kids in their school play costumes. It was precious. Anyway, inside the card was this gift card.”
Todd: “I’m not sure why, but I feel like we’re getting somewhere.”
Caller: “My son and his wife bought me this thinky thing a couple of years ago, but I hardly use it. They said I’d never have to dig out a recipe ever again, it would all be there in my mind all the time. So when I got this gift card, I decided to finally learn how to use this thing. I think I messed up.”
Todd: “How so?”
Caller: “I told you, I don’t believe in God any more.”
Todd: “Is this a problem?”
Caller: “A problem? Todd, are you having fun with me? I’ve believed in God my whole life. I go to church every Sunday, even when we have that Southern Baptist guest preacher. I’m the head of our Women’s Circle. How am I supposed to cook my broccoli casserole for the Men’s Bible Study class every Wednesday night, if I don’t believe in God?”
Todd: “I guess I see how that can be a problem…”
Caller: “They need my casserole. Greg Denton says it’s twice as good as his wife’s recipe. He thanks me every week for putting so much cheese in it.”
Todd: “This happened when you cashed in your gift card?”
Caller: “Yes. I went to the shopping screen and browsed around. I admit, I didn’t really know what I was doing and I got lost. I started clicking around, trying to find the knitting section and I think I accidentally downloaded some kind of atheism thing.”
Todd: “Don’t worry. This is easy to fix.”
Caller: “Really? Oh, thank you, Todd. I was afraid I was going to have to explain to my daughter-in-law that I was going to go to Hell when I die because of a present she picked out for me.”
Todd: “I deal with this all the time. Beliefs are surprisingly easy to overwrite. It’s amazing how many different belief systems Earthlings have.”
Caller: “What do you mean ‘Earthlings’?”
Todd: “Um, I meant ‘people’. Earthling is just kind of a slang term my friends and I call each other. Anyway, let’s uninstall that download, shall we?”
Caller: “You never told me, what part of Wisconsin are you from?”
Todd: “Uh, Wisconsin City. It’s kind of a small city, right next to a big lake of liquid water.”
Caller: “Oh, that sounds lovely. So, how do we undo this?”
Todd: “Just go to the welcome screen, and click where it says ‘Settings’. Once you’re there, click where it says ‘Revert to Factory Defaults.”
Caller: “Okay. Ooh, I feel all tingly!”
Todd: “That tingling sensation is God welcoming you back.”
Caller: “Really? Oh, Todd, you are wonderful! You should give me your address, so I can mail you some of my broccoli casserole. Do you like cheese? Of course you do. I’ll make it extra cheesy for you.”
Todd: “Thank you, ma’am, but I’m not allowed to accept gifts.”
Caller: “That’s a shame. Maybe I can introduce you to this sweet blonde girl in my church. Her name’s Melanie. I bet you two would be perfect for each other.”
Todd: “Again, thank you for your generosity, but I must decline. My supervisor is signaling me to wrap it up. I really must take this next call. I hope you enjoy your Thinkmaster. If you have any more difficulty with it, please call again. Thank you for calling Galactocorp. Have a nice day.”
Caller: “Thank you so much, Todd. You have a wonderful day.”
*click*
Todd: “Bitch.”
Todd: “This is Galactocorp technical support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “What’s your name, boy?”
Todd: *Sigh* “Todd.”
Caller: “Listen, Todd, I’ve got a problem. A big problem.”
Todd: “What is the issue, sir?”
Caller: “My computer thing is busted. I think it’s leaking oil, or something. My vision gets blurry every now and then. And this morning, I woke up and found a greasy stain on my pillow.”
Todd: “This sounds serious. Do you know which model of computer you have?”
Caller: “Yeah, it’s one of the early ones. I think it’s the Brain Booster.”
Todd: “The original model?”
Caller: “Yeah, I think so.”
Todd: “Oh, sir, those were recalled several years ago. We no longer support that model.”
Caller: “What do you mean recalled? This thing’s in my brain, son. It’s permanently attached to my cerebellum!”
Todd: “I’m sorry, sir. There isn’t anything I can do.”
Caller: “I smell burnt toast all the time. I haven’t eaten toast in years. How do you explain that, Todd?”
Todd: “That particular model was found to cause strokes and brain hemorrhaging. That’s why it was recalled. A recall notice was issued. I’m afraid a class action suit against Galactocorp was settled some years ago. There is nothing I can do for you.”
Caller: “I understand. I’m not looking to sue anybody. And I don’t want it taken out. This thing is amazing. I can’t go back to living without it. I just want to know how to stop the migraines and night terrors.”
Todd: “Perhaps aromatherapy…”
Caller: “I heard soaking your head in an ice bath right before bedtime…”
Todd: “I wouldn’t recommend getting your head wet. It could cause a short circuit.”
*Thump*
Todd: “Sir?”
Caller: “Sorry about that. I dropped the phone. I can’t feel my left arm.”
Todd: “Perhaps you should contact a doctor.”
Caller: “I think you’re right. As soon as the room stops spinning.”
Todd: “Good for you, sir. I’m sorry your experience with a Galactocorp product has been less than ideal. I sincerely hope you get things worked out. Good luck, and thank you for calling Galactocorp.”
*click*
Todd: “This is Todd. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Todd? You sound Martian. Thank God! You have to help me!”
Todd: “What’s the problem, sir?”
Caller: “Look, this is embarrassing. Promise not to laugh?”
Todd: “Cross my hearts.”
Caller: “Well, uh, you see…Here’s the deal: I have a Galactopanger 4000, and I, uhhh…Well, I seem to have gotten my spitzjazzle caught in it.”
Todd: “Ouch.”
Caller: “Yeah. But here’s the real problem: My wife will be home any minute.”
Todd: “Good. This will be a lot easier with someone else to hold your floms out of the way.”
Caller: “No, you don’t understand. I’m wearing her wompwomps. If she catches me wearing her wompwomps with my spitzjazzle inside our Galactopanger, she’ll leave me!”
Todd: “Oh no.”
Caller: “The ‘panger was a gift from her mother. She’s going to kill me!”
Todd: “Not to sound insensitive, but I believe this voids the warranty on the Galactopanger. It clearly states in the warranty that the company cannot support any product not used for its intended purpose.”
Caller: “I understand that, but you have to help me. I’m in a real jam here!”
Todd: “Okay. I don’t want to pry, but how did you come to be in this position?”
Caller: “I’ve been unemployed for a couple of months now, and well, I got bored. Please, she’ll be home any time. She’s been so surly since she started working at the foundry. I’m really afraid. Oh, no! I think I just peed a little.”
Todd: “Your Galactopanger isn’t still plugged in is it, sir? Don’t get it wet if its…”
Caller: “YEOOOWWWWWW!”
Todd: “Sir? Are you okay?”
Caller: “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure the ‘panger’s ruined. She really liked this thing. God, I’m stupid! What was I thinking?”
Todd: “Okay, stay calm. I’ll walk you through this. I’m looking at the diagrams on my screen. It looks like there’s a bolt under the front panel. You’ll have to somehow hold your floms out of the way while unscrewing this bolt.”
Caller: “Shit!”
Todd: “Sir, are you okay?”
Caller: “No. I just heard her pull into the driveway. What am I going to do, Todd? Oh God, no! I hear her out there. Her mother’s with her!”
Todd: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I believe this situation is beyond my help. If you need any more help, please call back and request to speak to a supervisor. Thank you for calling Galactocorp technical support. Have a nice day.”
Caller: “You’re a bastard, Todd.”
*click*
Todd: “Thank you for calling Galactocorp technical support. What can I help you with today?”
Conrad: “Hello, Todd.”
Todd: “Hello?”
Conrad: “How would you like a better job?”
