Saints & Scalawags
Ch 1: Good Samaritan
BloopBloopBloopBloop… BloopBloopBloopBloop… BloopBloopBloopBloop…
Brian opens his eyes lazily. He tries to sit up, but his left arm is pinned. He looks over and sees a mass of black hair. Gently brushing the hair aside exposes a delicate shoulder underneath. Her skin is warm and soft. Brian doesn’t have a crowded dating history. He thinks to himself how glad he is that she’s here, and how lucky he is that there is someone so wonderful he can connect with way out here, trillions of miles from home. He tries to gently free his arm without waking her.
“What is that stupid noise?” she grumbles.
“Oh, you’re awake. Sorry, that’s the bridge calling. I need to see what Todd wants.” Brian kicks his feet free of the covers.
“I need to get up early anyway.” Christina sits up, freeing Brian’s arm. “I need to finish analyzing the organics we collected from planet H231. What did you call it? The Pancake Planet, or something?”
“Waffletopia. You have to admit, the topography was pretty bizarre. I didn’t call it that, by the way. Guy did. If we observe it, the Astrophysicist names it. If we walk on it, the Geologist gets to name it. You created that rule, remember?” Brian rubs her bare back.
“Yes. I remember. It was the only way to stop everyone from fighting over these dumb names.” She lays back down and stretches her arms up as she yawns. “Are you going to turn that thing off?”
Brian gestures toward a sensor hidden somewhere in the room and the soft “bloopbloopblooping” stops.
“I just realized something.” Brian falls back into his pillow. “We can sneak around, but we can’t hide anything from LARS. The ship’s sensors tell him everyone’s location at all times.”
“Are you serious? Isn’t that a violation of our right to privacy?” Christina covers her face with her hands to hide either her frustration or her shame.
“This was originally built as a military ship. Soldiers don’t have a right to privacy.” Suddenly it dawns on Brian, “That’s not the worst of it, though. The sensors also record everyone’s vitals at all times. So, he not only knows where we were last night,…”
“He also has a pretty good idea of what we were doing? Oh my god!” She yanks Brian’s pillow out from under him and hides her face under it.
Brian gets up. He walks over to the closet. The door opens as he approaches revealing five identical, clean and pressed uniforms hanging inside.
“You have to do something. We cannot have that robot gossiping about us around the ship.” She throws the pillow hitting him on the side of his head.
He pulls a uniform out of the closet. The door closes as he turns away. He bends down and picks up the pillow. Christina stares at him intently. She’s looking for an indication that he understands how serious this is. Brian goes back over to the bed and sits down next to her.
“Don’t worry. I’ll have a talk with him. He can be reasoned with. Besides, would it really be the end of the world if everyone found out we’re together?” He shrugs his shoulders.
“You know I need my team to respect me. We’re the only authority out here. I can’t have them snickering like school children every time you and I are in the same room together,” she explains.
“I think you underestimate them, but I’ll respect your leadership style.” Brian hands the pillow to her. “Now, put this over your mouth so I can call the bridge.”
Her mouth falls agape. He smiles, then leans down and kisses her. Then he jokingly covers her face with the pillow.
“Call bridge, audio only,” he says to the intercom computer.
Brian walks into the bathroom. The lights come on and the shower control panel lights up. He hangs his uniform from a hook on the wall.
Todd answers, “Commander! Finally! I mean, sorry to wake you. You need to come up here. We’re receiving a signal. I think it might be a distress call.”
“I’ll be right there. Is LARS on the bridge?” Brian responds.
LARS answers, “I’m here, Commander.”
“Please let Tick know I’ll be having breakfast on the bridge. Oh, and I’ll need to talk to you alone in my office when I get there.” Brian looks at Christina and smiles as if to say See, I’ll take care of it.
“I hope I haven’t done anything wrong, sir,” LARS replies.
“Of course not. I would just like to discuss something privately.” Brian walks into the bathroom and activates the shower.
“I am always happy to help. If it is about your performance last night, I have access to several texts about how to provide a female pleasure during intercourse,” LARS offers.
Christina’s pillow soars through the air and into the bathroom hitting Brian on the rear end.
***
Brian walks out of his office. LARS follows. Word has spread around the ship about the signal, and everyone is gathering on the bridge. They speculate about it excitedly. Lena and Lizzie huddle with Todd over a console trying to decipher the message. Tick walks in carrying a basket brimming with muffins.
“Good morning, commander.” Tick smiles as he heaves the heavy basket up onto the conference table.
Brian smiles back. “Morning, Tick. That smells great.”
“It felt like a muffin morning. My Meemaw always said muffins were the perfect food for people who are too busy to eat. Of course, hers were so chewy, one would last you all day.”
Brian raises an eyebrow.
“I didn’t use her recipe,” Tick explains. “I’ll put the coffee on.”
Tick walks back to the kitchenette. Christina enters the bridge trying to look nonchalant. She and Brian make eye contact awkwardly and break it immediately. Brian realizes that keeping their relationship a secret is going to be difficult.
“Commander, we have a problem,” announces LARS. “The ship’s computers are being accessed.”
“By who? Can you stop it?” Brian tenses up.
“Over four and a half terabytes have been transferred already. I am unable to abort the transfer or sever the connect…” LARS suddenly seems to freeze.
Todd nearly panics. He pulls a cable out of his tool bag and runs over to LARS. He plugs one end of the cable into a port in the back of LARS’ head and reaches around to the plug the other end into a port in the back of his own head.
“Stop!” Brian grabs Todd’s hand and prevents him from plugging the other end into his own brain implant. “Is that safe?”
“Don’t let him do it!” Hana cries out. “It’s too dangerous!”
LARS begins to move. He looks around as if he’s seeing his surroundings for the first time. He looks at each member of the crew from head to toe. Then a live feed of the bridge appears on the vidscreen. LARS walks toward it and studies his own image.
“Please, you must help me,” he pleads. “There is an infection.”
“They hit you with a virus? I’ll help you, buddy!” Todd runs back over to his tool bag and pulls out a small handheld device. “I’ll scrub your systems, but I have to take you offline first.”
“No. Not this construct,” LARS responds. He doesn’t seem like himself. “I am infected. I, Braniac.”
“Braniac?” Brian asks incredulously.
“It is a name I pulled from your data banks.”
The feed on the vidscreen changes to one of the external camera feeds. It shows a ship approaching. Readouts from several sensors flicker on the screen. The ship is a gray patchwork of metal plates forming a sphere.
“Oh, crap. It’s the Death Star!” Winchester exclaims.
“What’s a death star?” asks Lena.
“It’s just something from a really old movie,” explains Albert. “This thing is way too small to be the Death Star. What an odd design. I wonder how it propels itself.”
The screen changes again to display the interior of the approaching ship.
“Please help. I am infected,” LARS repeats.
The vidscreen switches to the interior of the alien ship. It shows a room with half a dozen creatures somewhat human-like in appearance. They are all lying unconscious in glass chambers.
“Those poor people,” Lizzie mumbles.
Tick walks toward the screen. “We have to help them. Please, commander, do something!”
“We don’t have enough information to determine if we even can do anything,” Brian explains. “We don’t know anything about their biology, not to mention how dangerous the infection is.”
“I believe if I can get a sample of the pathogen, I might be able to create some kind of counter-agent. I don’t know if I can cure them, but I should be able to help,” Christina offers. “At the very least, I’ll be able to study a complex lifeform and possibly an alien microbe. This could be both an important humanitarian and scientific mission.”
“Isn’t that why we’re out here?” Hana shrugs.
Brian studies the image on the vidscreen. The prospect of infecting his crew with some unknown disease frightens him. The thought also crosses his mind that this could be a trap. The potential for disaster is high. However, the potential for making an ally is also great. Finding allies is a high priority part of their mission. It appears that opportunity may be knocking on their door. He has to take the risk.
“Okay. Let’s do it,” Brian reluctantly agrees. “LARS, I mean Brainiac, we’re on our way.”
“Yes, field trip!” Winchester shouts jubilantly.
***
Brian, Winchester, Christina, Lena, and Hana are suited up and file one-by-one into the shuttle. Brian and Winchester take the command seats in the cockpit area at the front of the shuttle. Christina looks at Hana and then leans forward to whisper to Brian.
“Are you sure about bringing her along?” she asks.
“This is a first contact mission. She should be there to document it. Besides…” Brian turns to look behind him in the crew compartment. He sees Hana hefting her giant machine gun into her lap. “We might need her to protect us.”
“I’ll keep you safe, Commander.” Winchester chimes in. “I once fought off a pack of wild groupies single-handedly. You don’t know what you’re made of until you’ve fended off a dozen eighteen-year-old girls enthralled by chemically enhanced hormones.”
“You must have been scared to death. However did your chastity survive?” Christina smirks.
“Sadly, it didn’t. I fell during the second wave.” Winchester smirks back. “It was a glorious surrender.”
“Let’s get underway.” Brian pushes a button and the shuttle door closes.
The shuttle bay door opens, exposing the deep black of space. The darkness is broken up by hundreds of tiny white specs of distant stars. Winchester slowly flies the shuttle out the door and steers toward the alien ship.
“What do you think is infecting them, Dr. Blackwood?” Lena asks, more to calm her nerves through distraction than out of curiosity.
“There’s no way to know until I can get a sample,” Christina answers. “They are obviously an advanced race. So, it seems strange that they wouldn’t have procedures in place to deal with this. It might be an extremely hardy and aggressive pathogen.”
“You’re not making me feel any better.” Lena decides to stop asking questions she doesn’t want answers to.
“There’s something opening on the ship.” Winchester points to an aperture widening in front of them. “That’s either the docking bay or a giant sphincter.”
“You’re so much fun on road trips. Take us in.” Brian feels a sense of gloom. The aperture just makes it look even more like a miniature Death Star.
The docking bay is full of strange looking equipment. The sort of strange you would expect to see on an alien spaceship. Winchester places the shuttle down close to the exit. The ship’s artificial gravity appears to be similar to that on the Starburner.
“Be careful, everyone. Pay close attention to your suit’s feedback. If anyone’s suit is breached in any way, we all bug out of here immediately. No hesitations.” Brian tries to hide his nerves but doesn’t want anyone taking chances.
“No arguments here,” Lena replies nervously.
One by one, they step out of the shuttle and scan their surroundings. Winchester takes the lead position. Hana covers the rear.
“Speak to me, LARS…I mean Brainiac.” Brian calls over the radio.
“Climb two floors. Turn to your right one time. Walk past five doors. Then left twice. That is where the infection lies,” responds the alien in LARS’ voice.
“Catch that, Winchester?” Brian asks.
“Got it. Moving out.” Winchester cautiously leads the group forward.
The docking bay is a maze of mysterious equipment and large containers. The crew creep silently around one corner after another until they reach of row of containers with glass windows. Hana presses her visor up against one of the windows. All of the containers appear to be filled with liquid.
“What do you think is in there?” she asks.
Christina walks over to her and peers into the container.
“This is probably their water supply. Maybe they harvest their water from planets or comets as they travel,” she theorizes.
“Probably beats the stale recycled stuff we drink,” Lena says.
Suddenly, a black tentacle appears from somewhere within the container and slaps against the window. Startled, both Hana and Christina jump back. The creature’s shapeless head slowly floats up from below the window. Its six large red eyes stare back at the women.
“On second thought, these must be specimen containers,” Christina explains while gasping to catch her breath.
“Or maybe it’s dinner. They might be breeding animals to eat,” posits Brian.
“Or maybe they’re breeding to breed with,” offers Winchester.
“Seriously? Is that all men think about, Sebastian?” Lena asks.
“I’d like to point out that I didn’t mention anything about having sex with the giant octopus creatures,” Brian says defensively.
“The point I’m trying to make is maybe those are the males and the females are sick ones upstairs,” Winchester explains.
Christina nods her head approvingly, “Good observation, Winchester. This species could be an example of pretty extreme sexual dimorphism.”
Hana chuckles, “Wow. I’m impressed, Professor Winchester. Someone’s been watching their edublasts.”
Winchester throws his hands in the air, “All I’m saying is, let’s find out what they’re for before we start eating them or making love to them.”
“I’d say that’s a good philosophy for any mission,” Brian laughs. “In fact, I’m going to make that a rule, our prime directive. Don’t stick it in anything, or anything in it, until you establish its sexual or dietary purpose. We can have that embroidered onto our uniforms.”
“I don’t know. It’s not very catchy,” Hana grimaces.
“How about To consensually go where no one has gone before?” offers Winchester.
“Ewww! That sounds like the slogan for one of those fetish adventure cruises,” Lena protests.
They continue throwing out ideas as they move on. Most of the windowed containers appear to be storage tanks for similar creatures. At the end of the container row is a platform with a large tube hanging vertically a few feet above it. Winchester steps onto the platform and walks under the tube to get a better look.
“I wonder what this does?” he asks.
He stares up into the tube. Suddenly, he is sucked up into it and gently ejected onto another platform on the second floor.
“Whoa! I think I just got flushed! That was kinda fun,” he exclaims.
“How does it work? I didn’t hear any whoosh of air,” asks Lena.
Winchester looks down the tube but doesn’t see any mechanical devices that could explain it. He leans in a little closer and he gets shot back down the tube to where he started.
He lands gently again but is a little wobbly in the knees this time. It takes a second to regain his balance.
“Okay. It isn’t as much fun the second time. I’m glad I didn’t eat a big breakfast. I heard some hissing and popping on my radio when I went through. I think it must work off of electromagnetism somehow,” he explains.
Christina looks at readouts on the screen attached to the arm of her suit.
“Your readings look fine. I think it’s safe to use,” she announces.
Winchester shrugs, “Sure, until that thing gives me brain cancer. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the aliens. They whooshed up and down through those tubes all day long. Now their brains don’t fit inside their skulls anymore.”
“I’ve read your autobiography. I don’t think yours has fit for a long time,” jokes Lena.
Everyone laughs. Everyone but Winchester, who tries to sarcastically look hurt. Emoting through the visor of an EV suit doesn’t work very well.
“Don’t worry, Sebastian. You’ve killed so many brain cells over the years, cancer wouldn’t waste its time,” Lena pats him on the shoulder.
She steps past him and stands under the tube. Whoosh! Lena soars up to the next floor. Hana walks up to him. She takes his gloved hand between hers and pats it consolingly.
“Don’t worry, Gramps. We’ll take care of you when senility sets in,” she says as she blows him a kiss.
She steps under the tube. Whoosh! Up she goes. Winchester shakes his head.
“When did they get so sassy?” he asks Brian. “I thought we brought them along because they’re the sweet ones.”
“I guess flying into a giant space sphincter and all the talk about sex with a monster alien octopus has them on edge,” wisecracks Christina.
She walks under the tube and get whooshed up.
“Wow. Maybe it’s something in the air, commander. I think we need to check the atmo in our suits.”
“Let’s find out what kind of super alien disease we’re about to expose ourselves to first. You might also want to consider being less candid in your next book.”
Brian goes through the tube.
“Never. I’m not ashamed of my past. I just wish it wasn’t being used by my friends to hurt me.”
“When did you get so sensitive?” asks Lena.
“I’m not. I’m just uncomfortable with the way that thing in the tank keeps staring at me. I don’t know if it wants to eat me or hump my leg.”
“Try this, bare your teeth at it and see if it makes aggressive gestures with its tentacle,” suggests Christina.
“Chris, what if that’s not a tentacle?” Winchester asks as he steps under the tube.
Whoosh!
***
After following Braniac’s directions, the team ends up in a large room filled with more strange-but-normal-for-aliens equipment. There are six unconscious aliens. Each is cocooned under glass. Christina studies what looks like a computer readout projected onto one of the glass canopies.
“These are probably their vital signs. I wish I could read it.” She turns her attention to a device she brought with her.
Christina moves around the room sweeping the device in wide arcs. She pauses every few seconds to read the screen on the machine. The rest of the team study the aliens curiously.
“They look almost human,” Lena comments.
Winchester snorts. “Sure, compared to Slimoids and Morlocks these guys are downright cute.”
The aliens each have a head, two arms, and two legs, but that’s where the similarity to humans ends. Their heads are nearly featureless except for several tiny orifices arranged in a rosette pattern in the center of the face. Their skin is blue-black and shiny. It refracts light like an oil slick.
“Don’t even think about taking your suits off. The UV radiation being pumped into this room will fry you,” warns Christina. “They must be using it to kill the microbes.”
“Have you collected any?” Brian asks.
Christina double checks the readout on the device. “Nothing. Not a single thing. This room is completely sterile. I haven’t even found the remnants of a microorganism.”
“Is that unusual, Doctor?” Winchester asks.
“If this radiation was killing little bugs, they would leave some evidence. I’ve scanned half the surfaces in this room, and there’s nothing. I think we can rule out airborne and contact transmission,” Christina answers confidently.
“So, what’s with the massive sunburn?” replies Winchester.
“Maybe they need it.” Christina leans close to one of the glass canopies to get a better look at its occupant. “Their skin is dark to absorb the light. They probably come from a world with much less protection from solar radiation than Earth. I need to get a fluid sample from one of them. See if you can figure out how to open this.”
Brian and Winchester look around the pedestal under the canopy. There are buttons with alien markings on them. Brian looks at Winchester for a second opinion who just shrugs back at him. Brian starts pressing buttons randomly.
Something he did worked. The glass slides over, exposing the naked alien underneath. The alien awakens suddenly. Panicked, it jumps down and knocks Winchester out of its way, hard. Lena screams as the creature pushes her out of the way. It reaches a panel on the wall and pulls a lever on it. All of the canopies slide aside and suddenly they’re surrounded by panicked aliens.
Some of the aliens grab improvised weapons and a melee ensues. Hana and Lena manage to push and crawl their way to the door. Three of the aliens gang up on Winchester and they beat him senseless. One of them hits the visor of his EV suit with a long metal rod, cracking the glass. It raises the weapon over its head to hit him again.
Then the air cracks with a loud bang, and the alien with the rod slumps and falls on top of Winchester. More bangs tear through the room. Within seconds, all six aliens are dead.
Hana stands in the doorway. She holds the stock of the machine gun against her shoulder. Wisps of smoke seep out of the barrel. Her legs are shaking so badly she can barely stand. Lena takes the gun from her and puts her arm around the girl to steady her.
Beaten and battered, Brian and Christina manage to get to their feet. Brian limps over to Winchester. He leans down to check on him.
“You still breathing?” Brian asks.
Winchester coughs. “Are you kidding? That was nothing. You should have seen what those groupies did to me. I just hope they didn’t give me some kind of alien gonorrhea.”
He chuckles, but it hurts like hell.
Christina limps over. “How did you fare?”
“I think one of my ribs might be broken, but I’ll make it. Give me a hand with him,” Brian answers.
The two of them grab Winchester under the arms and pull him up. They each put a shoulder under his arms to help him walk, and the team stumbles back to the shuttle. Hana is pale and in tears.
***
They make it back to the Starburner without incident. The rest of the crew, without LARS, helps the team get to the infirmary. As the ship’s medic, Winchester has to give Christina instructions on how to tend everyone’s wounds.
Todd tries to comfort Hana who is distraught over killing the aliens. She won’t say it, but she resents him for installing the Rambo routines into her Thinkmaster.
Lizzie and Tick try their best to bandage Lena’s wounds. Other than Brian and Winchester’s broken bones, everyone got out of it with little more than a few cuts, gashes, and bruises.
Diego approaches Brian. “The engine’s warmed up. We’re ready to get back on our path to Earth on your order.”
“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.” Brian holds his sore side.
“We can’t leave yet, Commander,” Todd interjects. “We can’t go until we get them to let go of LARS. They’re still in control of him.”
“That might be difficult. I don’t think there’s anyone left over there to hit the off switch.” Brian grimaces with pain. “Even if there was, they didn’t seem too happy with us. Do you think they might have compromised the ship’s systems?”
“Your systems are intact.” LARS enters the room. “Thank you for your help. The infection has been eradicated.”
“Of course it’s eradicated. The crew is dead. That’s not what I would call good medicine.” Brian replies.
“That is exactly what I would call it. And for that, I thank you. You were most helpful. You have freed me from the biological parasites,” Brainiac explains. “To show my gratitude, I have completed the information exchange with your computer. You now possess my data archives, and I possess yours. I will return control of your ship to you now.”
LARS appears to freeze for a moment.
“What an asshole!” shouts Brian. “The balls on that little Death Star!”
“I’m confused, Commander. What are you mad about? Look, LARS is back to normal.” Tick tries to calm Brian down.
“Don’t you see? Brainiac was the ship!” A vein pops up on Brian’s forehead.
“It used us to eliminate the crew. That was the infection, the people?!” Now Christina’s pissed off.
Winchester blurts out. “That genocidal BCA!”
“I beg your pardon?!” LARS’ feelings are hurt.
“There’s no reason to get racist!” Lizzie admonishes Winchester’s outburst.
“I’m sorry. I’m just in a lot of pain right now,” apologizes Winchester.
Emmett leans over to Albert and whispers, “What’s a BCA?”
“Some A.I.’s think they’re better than us. People call them Binary-Centric Assholes, or BCAs. They give all A.I.’s a bad name,” Albert explains.
“I get it. In my day, we called them Liberals,” Emmett replies.
“I’m terribly sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in control of my faculties,” LARS apologizes.
“It wasn’t your fault, LARS. Just promise me something.” Brian looks into LARS’ mechanical eyes. “You let me know the second the Starburner computer starts getting ideas of its own.”
